itch.io

"Lots of places around Earth are considered inhabitable because of the scars made by the moon and all the changes that followed."

I think there is a minor typo here, I think you mean "uninhabitable" not "inhabitable"? Inhabitable means you can live there, uninhabitable means you cannot live there.

Found an error when re-reading from the beginning. It seems when selecting "dark hair" in the prologue there's an error that duplicates the word "hair."

> The crackling fire in the fireplace flickered shadows on Elianna's dark hair hair.

I'd guess that the hair color variable is set to "dark hair" rather than just "dark" so when you write smth like "$hairColor hair" (or whatever your variable name is) it ends up splicing "dark hair" in for the variable, thus resulting in duplicate hair.

When inspecting the abandoned house in chapter two, the option "look beneath the floorboards" gives me the following error:

Error: <<if>>: <<else>> does not accept a conditional expression (perhaps you meant to use <<elseif>>), invalid: //Just in case, it's just in case,// you whisper to yourself, //for my peace of mind.//<</if>> The gap is small, small enough that you can't even fit your hand inside. Whichever animal that could find its way there is either incredibly small or able to dig to get there. You squint, moving closer. Red dots form in the dark, two, and then two more, until you can no longer count them. A shiver runs through your spine as the cacophony of squeaks grows in volume. You are breathless, though you can't quite tell whether it's confusion or surprise. //There is nothing here for you.// A low voice, almost a whisper, caresses your ears. And that is enough to convince you of the fact that what you have just seen isn't just a mouse. The voice was clear, the air suddenly hot around you. You remain in place, heart racing, speechless and still able to hear the echo those words left behind. A shadow looms over you. Your breathing stills. ... "Boo!" You jump back up, gasping for breath. Your companion burst into laughter, patting you on the back. "Got you!" It was just a prank. //It was just a prank.// You repeat, but somehow that doesn't reassure you. You look back at the space underneath the floorboards. There's nothing there, and maybe it's better that you don't try again. <<if hasVisited("2.chick") and hasVisited("2.pet dog")

The text on the settings menu is really dark and has very low contrast with the dark background, I can barely read it. Not the biggest issue I can work around it but something to consider fixing in the future.

The light theme makes the toggles for auto save and auto name invisible on my monitor (white on white) unless I hover over them. Not an insurmountable issue but looks weird, consider shifting the color of the toggle to be a little bit darker to help contrast better? I don't have a problem on dark theme though.

Oh this is fascinating. Very excited to see where this one goes.

Found a small error though, "You know they wouldn't judge you, but yet you're somehow still worried that will." < missing "they" in "that they will"

This isn't as blinding as some light theme IFs ive encountered (thank you for the slight beige paper-tone in the background) but I will still petition for a dark mode. I get eye strain really easily with light backgrounds and while I can manage it, a dark mode would be very nice if its possible.

Oh hi! Yeah it does look a little easier now, slightly darker by the look of things. I can read links without squinting yay ^^

Thanks!

It still is a lil hard for me to read the yellow links/names on a white background but that may be a mixture of monitor differences + being somewhat color blind.

Interesting enough for me to keep an eye on, although the fact that the RO's pronouns are not reflected in the choices is a bit immersion shattering. Its simple enough to swap out the links with an if statement so I hope it will be fixed soon enough, I can provide a sugarcube macro example if needed.

My only actual textual issue would be that it doesn't feel like there is room to play a shy/uncertain character? Perhaps it is just a part of omegaverse fiction I am unused to but it feels like any shy choice is overridden by the text shortly after and my character kind of takes control of the situation in a way that I don't like. Even if the game is centered around the MC being an alpha and the RO being an omega which defines them into dominant/submissive dynamics it feels like I am lacking some freedom to have emotions outside of romantic/sexual interest in the RO, like there isn't much room to react to the situation my character is in on its own outside the context of desire.

All that said I enjoyed it a lot and I can overlook most of that because of the interesting premise.

Thank youu!

I am hoping a dark mode is somewhere in this game's future. Also while I'm on the topic of style, the dropdowns in the settings menu don't show any text until I mouse over them which is awkward. I'd guess the text is just set to the same color as the background?

This is a weird one for me. The prologue is very well written, so it was jarring when I got to chapter one and found so many rather obvious mistakes all over the place. Nothing too so egregious as to keep me from reading but still a bit surprising given how well put together the prologue is. I'm unsure if there just hasn't been an editing pass yet, or if the prologue is older so its had more time for community editing, but either way I do love the story and hope the few parts of CH1 we have so far get the second pass they need.

Entirely understand, take all the time you need. Things happen sometimes, take care of yourself and I'll look forward to more whenever you feel ready to write it.

I totally get it, and if I get the spare income I may pitch in to the KoFi and help out sometime. Loved the chapter and am lookin forward to more ^^

I think its very vague about how this works so you could be right but it seems to me like haulers are not monolithic and can bend as the skitch hook rule also states that you <<continue along its side>> which to me implies that there is more than one space to continue along. Or perhaps skitch hook is trying to say you can start the skitch from one of the ends?

Ultimately this is kind of open to interpretation.

To clarify: that rule basically lets you mark 2 heat instead of just 1 in order to make edge moves easier. Normally you mark 1 heat and have a 50% chance of failing any edge move (failure on 3 or less) but you can mark 1 more heat to only fail the edge move on a roll of 1.

Question about this, I suppose its probably too much work to have haulers turn corners? I guess the only way to do it is like, have each hauler segment be its own token which would be a lot. (the way the game handles hauler movement is vague but the existence of skitch hook implies that haulers can sometimes become <<bent>> so I presume they do turn like snake rather than move as one monolith like this tool seems to do)

Fair enough! And glad to have this sorted out. 

I think having heard the full thought process the only thing I can say is its somewhat limiting to presume that the character would use and relate to the f slur in this way, like it precludes any other relationship with the word or any other expression of transness. Which as a trans woman, to me is kinda sad. But like, it seems like you're specifically angling for this expression of transness so I can't ultimately fault it. My original assumption that the f slur was out of place here wasn't accurate, so my bad ^^

Edited:

You know what this was a lengthy response that, while I tried to be neutral, was very emotionally influenced. I'll rewrite it more concisely.

I think you have a rather uncharitable misreading of my intent and words. Understandable, as you say this is your fight and you are bound to have emotions wrapped up in that. So I do empathize and understand with getting emotional. I got emotional too, because I as a trans woman have traumas tied up in the use of the F slur and this conversation and the use of the slur in the rulebook kind of dug those traumas to the surface. I apologize for any unpleasant emotions I have dredged up.

My original intent was not to put you on a pedestal so I can knock you off, I do not know what gave you that impression and I am sorry that you got it. I also did not intent to speak as a "demiurge" as you put it. I also do not have a problem with using the F slur in this rulebook. I thought I had made all of this clear, but it is now clear that this got buried in my lengthy explanation. I regret the miscommunication.

So I will be explicit and concise. My intent is a suggestion, that if you expand this into a full rulebook you would reach a larger audience if you did not use the F slur in that way. Using the F slur as flavor text for the clothing a player character could wear implicitly includes the player in the category of "faggot" and that is uncomfortable and potentially triggering to people like me. Thus, people like me are explicitly excluded when you use the F slur in this way. So your game would have a broader reach if it did not use it in this way. I understand that this is a rather transgressive game touching on a lot of content that will make it niche no matter what, but I do not think the F slur is essential to any of that content so its use merely turns people like me away with no perceived benefit.

I am not trying to moralize, you don't have to take this suggestion to heart, my original lengthy explanation was intended to explain my reasoning and try to help see where I am coming from. I did not succeed, and I apologize for that. It is clear to me now that your intent is not to include people like me, rather it is to express yourself fully and without compromise. I can respect that, and I will move on.

I am all for using the F slur in a reclaimed sense, but if you continue working on this and eventually release more complete or updated versions consider not using the F slur in any rules text. Especially not flavor text that refers to a player character.

It is still a slur, and even if we reclaim it we need to be careful with it because some people will have traumas and issues related to it. As much as some people may react to being called a slur by reclaiming it others might prefer to distance themselves from it. And even if you reclaim it, it is important to respect others who distance themselves from it. The F slur is sometimes related to feminization kink, but is not inherent to that kink so I don't think it needs to be present and it would be more respectful to omit it in this context.

A player might come along who for whatever reason isn't okay with being referred to by the F slur, even indirectly, but otherwise enjoys feminization kink. It kind of sucks that with the rules text as it is now, that player is excluded by default even if they otherwise enjoy all of the rest of the content in the book. The book touches on a lot of taboo kinks so you might make an argument that the F slur is just another part of that taboo and if someone isn't comfortable this isn't for them, but I just don't think the F slur is necessary in the first place and that using it thus excludes people for no real reason.

The use or prohibition of slurs in play should be part of the safety negotiation at the table. It should not, I don't think, be baked into the rules text and thus assumed permissible by default unless a given TRPG is fundamentally based around a slur. They need to be handled a bit more carefully than that.

Love the concept otherwise, apologies for the long comment I just wanted to be thorough.

I thought I did post a second permanent one if you look in the replies, but heres another link anyways! https://discord.gg/aUb6CQgs

I am a big lore nerd for stuff like this and I will absolutely devour the codex (and whatever you add to it) when I have the time >:3

Ok so it took me a while to get around to this one. I liked Viatica, but there were places where it felt like the writing was a bit off. The pacing felt off, the dialogue was a bit stunted (beyond just the amount you'd expect given the setting), and overall it just left an impression on me that it needed refinement. Good story, and the writing wasn't bad, but it could use some work.

I got none of that from this story. The characters are very well written, the dialogue flows naturally, and so far the pacing is excellent. It seems very clear that the author has had a ton of improvement in their writing, and I'm very excited for more of this.

I'd say the only thing I have to critique at the moment is the actual itch page. A gigantic lore dump right off the bat is exhausting to read. That lore is cool, and deserves to have its own place, but maybe there could be a short story introduction before the lore dump begins? Something to hook me and justify why I should care about any of the lore.

You can find colorblind filters online that will show you an approximation of what an image will look like to someone with color blindness. I'd recommend just taking screenshots of some color palettes and then putting them through the filter to see what colors become unclear.

This may not be accurate to Fizel, I don't want to presume. But there is a kind of colorblindness known as Tritanopia (or Tritanomaly if its less severe) that cannot see the color yellow. The color yellow in tritanopia appears indistinguishable from white.

Ahhhhhh yeah that makes sense. Thanks for the response! I'll just turn my pc volume down for now then. Very intriguing demo though! Definitely have to dig into it and see some of the other available routes. Looking forward to more.

Mild problem: adjusting the volume doesn't seem to affect menu sounds? Even turning the master volume and all volume sliders down, the sounds when clicking buttons and navigating menus is unaffected.

I recommend making the links a different color than the text. It reads better when the links actually stand out, even if they are just a "next" button at the bottom. When there are more choices it will make it a lot more legible, and it will generally improve the reading experience even now.

Very good start! Really enjoyed it, the characters are very well written and the setup is intriguing.

buuuuut theres a lot of broken links and typos. I may do a second run and catalogue all the ones I find but that will be a lot. Here's a few that are kind of universal:

• However you have "staying with cam"  and "staying at the motel" setup seems to be a bit broken. During the later parts of chapter 1 I got a lot of bleed between the two. I'd chosen to stay with cam but I got a weird mix of like (paraphrasing not quoting) "There's a knock on the hotel room door. Cam comes out into the living room." during the scene where Ollie shows up.
• The link to call Ro is broken. It just does nothing. I know Ro hangs up immediately but it doesnt acknowledge that.
• A lot of Ro's variables are broken. Notably $roname_posessive. At one point the game just calls them "Ro" rather than their full name. I figured it might be a weird nickname but since it never came up again probably a bug. Several of their pronouns are broken throughout the game, mostly as a result of typos I think.
• A lot of broken if statements. Again, I may do a second playthrough and actually catalogue everything I find but it may be worth just going back and double checking all of them. I remember specifically there is one that is misspelled <<is>> instead of <<if>>, theres also a few that are missing the opening <<if>> or closing <</if>> tag, and one that broke because the closing tag has too many brackets <<</if>>.

Excellent start! Just needs some polish and maybe in the future might benefit from a proofreading pass just to clean up the more obvious errors before release.

Lovely introduction, but one issue: The text in the dropdown menus is illegible for me. Its the same color as the background on dark mode so I simply cannot read it unless I hover over each option individually. 

Also for some reason on the save screen the save icons are missing? In the little box on the left that you click in order to save/load its just grey/green with no icon inside like there usually is. This doesnt impact gameplay, I can click the box just fine, its just weird to look at.

Also I had to add 

<<set $route to "nofleshpit">>

at the end of the solo stabbed route or I hit another passage with no continue button just before gabriel arrives in chapter 2.

Looking at the actual code I see the problem. There's just no elseif for the "solostabbed" variable. I fixed it. Also side note but you can use the "or" logical operator in if statements. Such as "<<if [condition] or [condition]>>" that way you dont have to duplicate so much text. In this case to fix the issue I just changed the code to:

• <<elseif $beginningroute == "solo" or $beginningroute == "solostab">>

After waking up from sleeping for 2 days at the beginning of the story, selecting any of the options when presented with food breaks the game. The next passage shows up fine, but there is no option to continue at the bottom of the page.

For completeness here is the route I took:

• Gave gabriel a name after being pushed about it.
• Tried to run when taken to the bail cages
• Tried to pick the lock
• Shoved milo in the cage when he came
• Got picked up by bella after getting stabbed

Also there is a second bug I found when backtracking to try and see if I can find a way around this issue. When talking with milo after waking up the first time, selecting stay silent and then "i'm sorry" leads to a loop. The options at the bottom of the page seem to be copied from the previous page. This also happens if I select "how did you get out". The only way forward is to select "lie and see how far he will let you take it".

LMAO keep telling yourself that buddy

You're the one malding in the comments of an itch.io game because you saw some funny words. And now you're complaining about picking pronouns for the ROs before meeting them? Its very common in IF games to pick the gender (and thus pronouns) of the romance options ahead of time so all the ROs fit your tastes. Literally just complaining about one of the genre conventions now.

If you dont care about gender politics, why are you still here LOL? You're the one who came back to argue.

(I apologize for the wall of text ;-;)

Pronouns are an essential function of just about any language. A pronoun is basically just a noun referring to a person (bit more complicated but yeah thats the gist). He, she, they, we, it, etc are all pronouns. There may be languages out there with limited pronouns, or who express things in a different way, but most languages I am aware of has them in some form. They are not always gendered however.

In english, several pronouns imply gender. For example "she" implies a female gender to the person being referred to. This creates a problem, as transgender and gender nonconforming individuals are uncomfortable when they aren't seen as the gender they identify as. Thus the concept of changing one's pronouns, and introducing oneself with their pronouns. This is merely a tool by which to ensure that the language we use to identify each other does not accidentally hurt anyone. Its basically the same level of respect as not calling someone a nasty nickname.

This works great, for some people. He/she/they are all very useful pronouns and can be applied to a wide variety of identities and genders, but some people don't really feel like their identity fits within any of those boxes, and they want a new box. Or heck, want to be outside any box. Thus we come to the concept of neo-pronouns. Essentially newly invented pronouns used to describe people who don't feel represented by the "standard set". A lot of people who don't fit in the binary of he/she use "they" instead but that doesn't feel right for everyone. Some people feel more comfortable with a unique singular pronoun instead.

And, finally (apologies for the rather long wall of text, I just wanted to be thorough), we come to eh/ehq. Eh/ehq are examples of neo-pronouns. They're not ones I am familiar with personally, but in essence they express something outside the gender binary. Choosing these pronouns can express character in a lot of ways, especially for an immortal born-from-the-fabric-of-the-universe god like the MC is in Uroboros. It can express an alienation from conventional gender norms, a desire to distance oneself from those norms, a simple sentiment of not caring all that much about gender and preferring to be unique in one's expression, or all of the above, or none of the above. 

Eh/ehq, in essence, expresses that the person using them is not male or female, does not wish to present as such, and does not wish to be perceived as such. The reasons for this can be numerous but that is the essence of it.

And bringing back around to the topic of languages. There are languages out there that don't have gendered pronouns, or have less of an emphasis on gendered pronouns. It sounds like you likely speak one of these languages. I imagine it might sound rather silly for english speakers to get all worked up about them lol, but it is just a matter of expressing one's identity. Its also worth noting that not all pronouns refer to people. "This, That, and Those" are all pronouns as well. Again, most languages have pronouns, but only some languages have gendered pronouns and as such using the proper gendered pronouns may be more/less important depending on your language.

So... lemme understand. Having more options, more ways to express your character, is bad because... you personally don't understand some of the options? Cool, pick smth else then? Leave the other stuff for people who do understand and want to use it?

This is the easiest problem in the world to fix my guy, how fragile is your ego that you can't handle even just seeing some funky pronouns and quit so hard you left a salty comment about it.

Oh no! Thats so weird, glad its fixable then.

As Neko-Gore said, all the buttons are invisible and as such the game has been rendered unplayable for me. I need to access the settings menu to adjust things, like dark mode, but am entirely unable to and as such I simply must abandon this game. Please fix this.